2. Abuse undermines safety and trust, which are the foundations of successful lives, happy relationships, and secure families. Women and children, in particular, need to feel safe with the men they love. When we are abusive we are not safe to ourselves or others. Our abuse hurts the people we love. Unless we overcome it, our abuse will eventually destroy the love and happiness we want to share with them.
3. Abuse hurts most and does the most damage when the victim is less powerful or is dependent upon the abuser-- or when the abuse happens in a family or intimate relationship. Children are especially vulnerable to abuse and often grow up to repeat the abusive patterns they have experienced. By overcoming our abuse, we can break this cycle and keep ft from being passed on to the next generation.
4. Many things can contribute to our feelings: alcohol, drugs, money problems, kids, family problems, stress, legal problems, traffic, pressures at work, noise, and the experience of rejection or injustice. Such problems can be difficult to handle and sometimes we may feel angry about them. But none of them "make us" become abusive or violent. When we become abusive, it is a choice we make. Until we stop our abuse it is more difficult to resolve these other problems.
5. Our abusive behavior makes it much more difficult to solve problems between ourselves and other people, in relationships and families. In order to work successfully on relationship issues, we must first begin to overcome our abuse and restore trust. Blaming others when we abuse, or excusing our own abusive behavior, stops us from changing. Expecting someone else to be responsible for our feelings and behavior stops us from changing. To overcome our abuse, we must recognize that the victims of our abuse did not cause us to abuse them, that we are not supposed to 'feel better' about ourselves until we start working to overcome our abuse, and that abuse is never ok.
6. Abusive men can and do change. Our abusive behavior is learned and can be unlearned.
7. By overcoming our abuse, we learn to recognize more clearly when others treat us abusively. We learn constructive ways to avoid or confront such abuse and how to protect ourselves. We learn healthy ways to work with others who are abusive, and to break the abusive patterns that have developed in our families and relationships.
8. To overcome abuse, we must be willing to provide for and protect those who need our help and protection. When we fulfill this responsibility as well as possible, we create the basis for safety and trust in our families and relationships.
9. To overcome abuse, we must acknowledge our abusiveness and take responsibility for it. Hiding its consequences, denying what happened or blaming others, will not stop our abuse. Hoping and praying, alone, will not stop our abuse. Taking responsibility for our behavior is the necessary first step towards changing it.
10. Stopping abuse requires the help and support of others. It takes time and hard work. We have to admit we need help, seek others who will work with us on the problem, and stick with it for as long as it takes. MWAA's Time Out Groups provide a safe environment where men are cared for and challenged by their peers to be accountable and responsible for their behavior.
11. In a Time Out Group we learn that we can stop physical violence now by deciding ft is no longer an option. Such a decision requires a choice to pay whatever price is necessary, by deciding that stopping abuse is our top priority. This means choosing to accept the emotional pain that comes when we surrender control over others in relationships. As the first practical step towards overcoming physical violence, we learn to walk away from tense situations (take a Time Out) and return later to work on solutions when we are calm. We can avoid new incidents of physical abuse through on-going work in a group with other men who have dealt with similar problems.
12. To overcome verbal and emotional abuse, we must make decisions each day to live in a new, abuse-free way. This process requires on-going support from other men who have made the same commitment. It is a gradual process of change through which we learn to better understand our feelings and change some of the ways we handle them. It is a process of change through which we learn to appreciate the feelings of others and change some of our own ideas and assumptions.
13. For most of us, stopping abuse is the toughest job we will ever tackle. In the Time Out Groups, we learn to love and care for others without control or violence. We learn how to handle the power and responsibility we have as men to create safe, secure places for those we love and for those less powerful than us. We learn how abuse of our power destroys the safety of the places we share with others. As we overcome abusiveness, we learn to further develop our ability to love and to create the basis for happy and satisfying lives in a society that often glorifies abuse and violence.
14. Most of us will retain a life long tendency to be abusive. This tendency is rooted in our on-going struggle to handle the power we have as men to create or destroy safe and secure places for those we love. In order to live out our responsibility to protect those we love without becoming abusive, we must receive caring and support from other men, who like us, have taken on this life-long task.
WHAT WE BELIEVE © Copyright 1990 by Men Working Against Abuse. All rights reserved. Use by permission only.